The Love of Men Who Are Husbands

Transcript

GR 2332
The Love of Men Who Are Husbands
Ephesians 5: 25-33
11/21/2021
Gil Rugh

We’re going to be in Ephesians 5 in your bibles. Ephesians and chapter 5. We’re talking about the walk of a believer. How we conduct ourselves as God’s people. The first three chapters of Ephesians, remember laid the doctrinal foundation. It doesn’t mean there were no practical applications there, but it primarily focused on the truths that we need to understand, that have been accomplished for us through Jesus Christ and our identification with Him.

Then in chapters 4 ,5 and 6 there is the focus on the walk of the believer. How we conduct ourselves, how we live out, day by day our new life in Christ. That emphasis on the walk, began in chapter 4:1, “walk in a manner worthy.” And then verse 17 of chapter 4, walk no longer like the unbeliever walks. Chapter 5, be careful how you walk, starts out in verse 1 of chapter 5:2, “be imitators of God” and “walk in love just as Christ also loved you.” Then in verse 8, “walk as children of light.” Verse 15, “be careful how you walk.” That constant emphasis on walk, walk, walk. Our daily conduct is crucial in how we live out what we profess to believe. And if we don’t live out what we profess to believe, it raises serious questions about our relationship to the Lord.

We’re talking about the walk of the believer, but back up, just want to review with you four facts that are accomplished by the Holy Spirit in our lives the moment we believe. So, the ministry of the Holy Spirit, we have R, I, B, S, ribs. We’ll start with number one.

R, regenerates. The Holy Spirit regenerates those who place their faith in Christ. We looked at Titus 3:5, we won’t go there now, but I’ll just mention them in case you didn’t get them last time. Titus 3:5 talks about being born again, being regenerated, made new by the work of the Holy Spirit.

I, the indwelling of the Spirit, the Spirit indwells every believer. We looked at Romans 8:9, and these are just passages I picked out to identify, but you could add to them. We’re indwelt by the Spirit of God when we are believers. We are indwelt from the moment we placed our faith in Christ. He regenerated us, caused us to be made new, and He took up residence within our lives in the person of the Holy Spirit.

B, Then we were baptized by the Spirit. That was 1 Corinthians 12:13, where by one spirit we were all baptized into one body. So, we became identified, not only with Christ in His death, burial and resurrection, but with all the other believers who have placed their faith in Him as well.

S, And then we talked about the sealing of the Holy Spirit. And we used two references from Ephesians since we are in the book of Ephesians. Ephesians 1:13, “In Him, you also, after listening to the message of the truth, the gospel of your salvation, having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise.” So, when the Holy Spirit came to indwell you, that was God’s seal, God’s guarantee upon each one of us, that we would ultimately realize the fullness of that salvation in the glory of His presence. We also looked at Ephesians 4:30, “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” That brings in another factor that we’re talking about in Chapter 5 of Ephesians. We were sealed with the Holy Spirit, He took up residence in our lives, now we are to be filled with that Spirit. We are to walk by the Spirit. We’re to live our lives under the control of that indwelling Spirit.

That’s what he talks about as we move into chapter 5:18, where he says, “do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit.” And that walk that we now have, is to be under the control of the Spirit. Those four things we looked at with that acronym, ribs, R,I,B,S. They happen simultaneously, basically the moment we place our faith in Christ. But the filling of the Spirit that we’re talking about in chapter 5:18. And the command is a present tense command, you could translate it, ‘be constantly be filled with the Spirit, under His control.’ It contrasts with the wine. When a person is drunk with wine, it’s dissipation and they do all kind of irrational things. But we’re to be filled, under the control of the Spirit, living according to His direction, under His control. That’s what it is, to be filled with the Spirit. He elaborated on that with the five ‘ing’ words that follow.

“Be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs.” You’ll note, there is a mutuality here. We belong together. You can’t stay home and get this. Now, some of you are homebound and join us on the internet, and that’s fine. There are bodily afflictions and so on, the Lord takes care of that. But by and large, His plan for us as believers, is to be together. In Hebrews 10, he says, do not forsake the assembling of ourselves together, as is the practice of some. Even back in Paul’s day, there were some, well, I can read this, I can get it on my own. We are to be ministering to one another. And so, part of that is, we’re speaking to one another. We are singing songs. We’re singing, making melody. Those ‘ing’ words are usually our English participles. So, speaking, singing, making melody with your heart to the Lord. So, we’re doing it to the Lord, we’re doing it to one another. That’s part of our ministry as we join together in ministry of music. “Always giving thanks,” in verse 20, “for all things.” I mean, the good times and the bad times. Lord, You’re working Your purpose in my life and I accept that. I give You thanks and I thank You for the grace that sustains me in the difficult times and the grace that is so evident in the times of blessing. Your grace is sufficient in every time.

That last participle is in verse 21, we have it, “and be subject,” but as you have it in the margin of your bible, if you’re using a New American Standard, ‘being subject.’ I wish they had put the ‘ing’ there. That would have tied it to the other participles, because that’s usually the way we do our participles in English. And they modify the main verb. In other words, the main verb is “to be filled.” It’s a present imperative. That’s a verb in the Greek text. And then you have these participles that modify the main verb. Being filled with the Spirit, manifests itself when you’re speaking to one another in psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Singing, making melody, giving thanks, being subject. They are all evidences that I’m living under the control of the Spirit of God, I am being filled with the Spirit, being controlled by Him.

Now, that is an up and down thing. We’re not, none of us are, perfectly being filled all the time. Not being perfectly under the control of the Spirit. That’s a growing thing. But I am becoming more and more like the God that I love and serve. And then there is James 3, we all sin with our tongue. No one who doesn’t, but over time, I become more and more careful. More and more conformed to the image of Christ.

That brought us to verse 22, and it was wives to your own husbands. It picks up the participle from verse 21, the ‘being subject’, “being subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” Wives to your own husbands, as to the Lord. And we looked at verses 22-24. Wives are to be submissive to their husband. That’s an evidence of the Spirit’s control of a life. That’s not necessarily the way the unbelieving world is living in a variety of ways. And that’s one of them. One of the key ways is that we, in our marriage relationships and our family relationships, we conform to that which is consistent with the character of the God who created us. And evidences the control of His Spirit within us. So, wives are being subject to their own husbands as to the Lord. And we talked about what that entails.

Then we come to verse 25, and we have, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” So, the contrast in each of these, he begins with those who are being subject, but he also addresses those who are in charge, so to speak. Those who are being subjected to. So, you have the wives, then you have the husbands. Then in chapter 6, we’ll have “Children, obey your parents.” And then we’ll have fathers, be careful not to provoke your children. Verse 5, we have slaves be obedient, but then we’ll have masters, verse 9, conduct yourselves properly.

And we ought to be careful about the amount of space given to Ephesians and the words used. Some make a point out it, the word, ‘obey’ is used of the children in chapter 6:1. And then of the slaves in verse 5 of chapter 6. But it's not used of the wives, they are to be subject, but it doesn’t say, obedient. When we looked in 1 Peter 3, and we noted, Sarah, in the writing of Peter, Sarah was subject to her husband, and she obeyed him. They are used interchangeably, if you’re subject, you’re obedient. If you’re obedient, you’re subject. So, we want to be careful, because some of those, even which are supposedly based on the Greek, they just limit themselves to Ephesians, and they make the point, well, it doesn’t say the wife is to obey the husband, she’s only to be subject. Well, if you’re not obedient, how are you subject? And 1 Peter 3, uses them interchangeably, in a similar kind of passage. And in 1 Peter, there will be more verses given to the wives and one verse to the husbands. So, it’s not, well no, the emphasis here is on the man. It is. But that’s balanced in another where there’s more on the woman, and less on the man. Because both are independently addressed.

You’ll note, it did not say, wives being subject to your own husband as to the Lord, if your husband is loving. And then in verse 25, husbands love your wives, if they’re submissive. The beautiful thing about the word of God is, it is very personal. And it addresses me, personally. And I am to be what God intends me to be as His child regardless. Even of the most intimate and close relationship we have in our earthly sphere, and that is the husband and wife. But even there, the wife is to be what God says she’s to be. Now, it’s great if she has a believing husband, who is striving to be everything God says. And for the husband, to love his wife as long as she is being… You know, we keep going around on this. After fifty some years in the ministry, I’m aware of how it goes. Well, the wife says, well, my husband is not being loving, and the husband says, my wife’s not being submissive. Neither has an excuse before the Lord, because it gives instruction to the wives in verses 22-24, then He gives instruction to the husband. And if you’re a wife, and you don’t have a husband who shows love to you, 1 Peter 3 addresses that. Well, if you have an unbelieving husband, you be what God says you ought to be, and maybe God will use that. And for the husband, you love your wife as Christ loves the church. And we were disobedient and far removed from Him, until in His grace He intervened, and then He deals with us, and brings us along. So, each one stands on their own. That is crucial.

Husbands, verse 25, are to love their wives. Verse 28, husbands ought to love their own wives. Verse 33, nevertheless, each is to love his own wife, even as himself. It doesn’t matter, and it goes the same for the woman in verses 22-24. Here’s what you do. It doesn’t say, this is conditioned upon. Some try to take verse 21, and make it a general rule, being subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Well, that means we’re all subject to one another in one way or another. So, it’s a mutual submission. It is not, anymore than chapter 6:1, is parents be submissive to your children. No, its children be submissive, obey your parents. And then slaves and masters. Well, masters are to be submissive to their slaves, just like… No! I mean, somehow we just take scripture and we try to make it conform to what the world is saying. What is being addressed here, is the word of God to those who belong to God. So, we want to be careful on that. And if we persist in not doing what God says we must do, we manifest we’re not His children. Hebrews 10, gets into that. That you persist in it, you just reveal what you really are.

Lets look at the role of the husband in scripture, like we looked at the role of the wife. Then we’ll come back and walk through Ephesians 5. So, we go back to Genesis 2. And Ephesians 5 is going to take us back here, in talking about the role of the husband. But, we’ll look at it now.

Genesis 2, and we pick up with verse 18, “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him,’ ” corresponding to him, a helper. It’s not good for the man, as male to be alone. I will make a helper. And out of the ground made all the animals, and Adam named them, according to their categories. But the end of verse 20 says, “but for Adam, there was not found a helper suitable for him,” corresponding to him. Animals, you love your dog, you love your cat, but it’s not the same. The world puts it all up on the same level. They ought to be treated just like your husband or your wife, they are part of your family. Well, they may be part of your family, but they are not the same. And they don’t correspond to you, they are not the same. That’s another subject for another time.

Verse 19, “Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field… there was not a found helper suitable for him.” Verse 21, “So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept. Then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned,” He built, “into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ ” So, there is a uniqueness and a distinction that exists between the animal world and the human world. And the human world is comprised of the male and the female. And at the beginning, the female came out of the man. And ever since then, male and female have been born to the woman, out of the relationship she had with the man. But there is the uniqueness, Adam recognizes this is one who is like me. Who I can relate to. Who I can correspond to. So, they will communicate in a way that they wouldn’t communicate with the animals.

“For this reason,” verse 24, now it’s going to come up in Ephesians 5, but we’ll take it while we’re here. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” There is a uniqueness about the husband/wife relationship that does not exist anywhere else. Now, there is the single life that Paul will elaborate on, in passages like 1 Corinthians, but basically the relationship that God establishes here, is a marriage relationship. And that’s where we look for that fellowship, that relationship. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” So, the emphasis here on the man, because it was the man who was created, the woman was created for the man. So, now the man is viewed as leaving and being joined to another woman. And she shall be his wife. They shall be one flesh, as experienced in the sexual relationship, but in other ways. They are a unit. They become bound together by God.

Ok, come over to, well, pick up chapter 3 while we’re here, verse 17. After the fall… You know, we are in the habit of blaming everybody for the wrong things we do. And that was the way, you know, the man said it was the woman, the woman said it was the serpent. God doesn’t disagree, the serpent played a role. You know, verse 13, “the woman said, ‘The serpent deceived me, and I ate.‘ ” God said to the serpent, and the serpent crawls on his belly. And “To the woman He said,” and again, you’ll note, everyone is responsible for their own action. “To the woman He said, ‘I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth, in pain you’ll bring forth children; your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.’ ” You note, there’s not a change in the relationship, but there is a negativity that comes into the picture. Paul later will say, that the wife is submissive to the husband because the husband was created first. The wife was created for the husband. And also you add to that, the fall, and the facts of the fall… we’ll get to that.

In verse 17, “Then to Adam He said, ‘Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree which I commanded you, saying, “You shall not eat from it;” ‘ cursed is the ground because of you; in toil you will eat of it.” So, you see, there is pain brought in for the woman. Verse 16 says, “in pain you will bring forth children.” She would have brought forth children before that, but as a result of the fall, now there is pain brought in. The man would take care of this garden, but now, “in toil you will eat of it, all the days of your life. Both thorns and thistles it shall grow for you; and you will eat of the plants of the field; by the sweat of your face you will eat bread, til you return to the ground, because you were from it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” And that’s what happens, we die. We get old, we deteriorate, we die. No matter what they do, the body goes back to dust sooner or later. In the few bones we find, that’s all from those who have been buried so long ago. That’s the judgement on man for his sin.

Now, he’s still going to have a role of leadership, but it’s going to be a difficult life. We want to try to smooth everything out and make everything just perfect. Difficulty is just part of life. We don’t expect the world to understand that, because it’s rejected the revelation God has given. But the revelation from God is, it’s a difficult life.

Come over to Colossians 3, so all the way back, you come to Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians. Those three books were written at the same time, when Paul was imprisoned during his first imprisonment at the end of the book of Acts. And in Colossians 3, and here you see, you just have one verse for the wife, and one verse for the husband. Verse 18, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” That’s what’s fitting. That’s what’s right. That’s what God has planned from the creation. Don’t get all tangled in the world, because the world has rejected what God says. Even the religious Protestants and Catholics, they still reject what God says, basically. So, they create their own ideas. A wife is subject to her husband as is fitting in the Lord. “Husbands, love your wives, do not be embittered against them.” Then you’ll have children, you’ll have fathers, you’ll have slaves, that’s the order of things. So, recognize there is a created order that is being worked out. Now, as a result of sin, and it’s impact on every descendant of Adam and Eve, down to today, there is pain, there is suffering, there is toil involved, but we acknowledge that and function according to the word of God.

“Husbands, love your wives,” verse 19, “and do not be embittered against them.” We want to be careful as men and the role God has given us. Come over to 1 Timothy 2. So, you just go through Thessalonians there, and then you’ll come to 1 Timothy 2:8, “I want the men in every place to pray, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and dissention.” I want godly men. And then you have verses 9-15, basically talking about the role of the woman. So, you see, you want to be careful saying, oh well, God was really wanting to put His weight here. We have the completed scripture and we have a balance. We have less verses to the men than to the women in Ephesians. We have one of each to the husband and the wife in Colossians. Then we have fewer verses to the husband and greater verses to the women in Timothy. It just depends when you put it all together. So, in 1 Timothy 2:8, the men are to be involved in praying, lifting up holy hands without wrath and dissention. Lifting up holy hands, in other words, we are being careful what we do. We’re being careful as men, to please God, to do what He would have us do. Chapter 3, talks about elders and then deacons, again, they’re men. All of scripture talks about general things.

But when we get into specific roles, and that’s what we’re looking at… For example the overseer has to be a mature, godly man. We ought to all want to be godly men. But there are specifics that a man would be an elder in a church, has to have matured to a certain standard. And the same with deacons. Titus, just after Timothy, you come to Titus. And it’s only three chapters. We want Titus 2 the first verse, “speak the things which are fitting for sound doctrine,” healthy teaching, sound doctrine, hear what is healthy. “Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance.” Then he goes on to talk about the women. Then you come down to verse 6 and you talk about the younger men. And they are “to be sensible; in all things show yourself to be an example of good deeds, with purity in doctrine, dignified, sound in speech which is beyond reproach, so that the opponent will be put to shame, having nothing bad to say about us. Urge bondservants,” and on it goes.

So, you’re going back and forth, back and forth. The order established in creation hasn’t changed. But there are negative, sinful things now, infiltrating. And so until God makes you new on the inside, at best, you’re semi-conforming because it fits what you’ve been taught or what you now believe, or whatever. But what we have in Ephesians, the first three chapters laid the doctrinal foundation of what God did for us in Christ, and what He is done to us individually through our faith in Christ. He’s made us new. Now we’re walking, we’re living differently than the world around us.

1 Peter 3, we have the first six verses talking to the wives. Then verse seven, we have talk to the husbands. So, again, to make it an issue, well we have a different thing in Ephesians. We have men writing commentaries that don’t really believe the bible is the absolute authority and the word of God. The bible doesn’t say, now if you write a commentary on the bible, that will put you in a different… maybe it does for judgement, but as far as trustworthiness it doesn’t. The first six verses talk about the woman. And in verse 5, as we noted in our previous study, being submissive to their own husbands, “the holy women also, who hoped in God, were submissive to their own husbands.” Verse 6, “just as Sarah obeyed.” There we looked at, we have the word ‘submissive’, you have the word ‘obey’. They are basically used interchangeably. They become synonymous by and large. We’re being submissive but because you are obedient. And you are obedient because you’re submissive. And verse 7, “you husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way.” You don’t live with them just like the wife lives, because she’s got her role. But you live with them in the same way of understanding what God says, “as with someone weaker, since she is a woman.” Understand the woman is not made to be the man.

Now in the world they’re trying to do that. But God’s plan hasn’t changed from creation. “Show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” We want to be careful, as a man… I need to be careful to treat my wife properly. To understand she is a weaker vessel. She is a woman. She’s not a man. All the pressure that woman ought to be able to do everything the man does, and blah, blah, blah. That’s the world. We come to the word of God to find out what God says about a woman and about a man. Now, you can reject that, but you can’t change it. Now there are other alterations that go on. But basically the foundation is there. It goes all the way back to the creation when God created the man as male, and then out of the male He created the female. And that is the pattern in establishing of the order.

Alright, come back to Ephesians. Now we’ll just breeze through. Ephesians 5, as we did with the role of the woman, because basically, Ephesians 5:22-33 are just going to reiterate, maybe elaborate a little more, bring in a few more details of the woman or the man. But basically, you could put them all together and they are saying the same thing. The woman is a weaker vessel, she is submissive to the man. The man is to be the leader, he is to show love, he is to show sacrificial love for his wife. So, verse 25, we pick up, “Husbands, love your wives.” And this word ‘love’, agape is not used in the secular writings. It's only used of in the bible of the biblical. Even in the Old Testament didn’t have this requirement for the man. Now, there was the order there, and it was carried out, we see it throughout Israel’s history. And basically, we have the household responsibilities as they are identified, the husband and the wife, the children and the parents, the slaves and the masters, but we’ve got the political order that’s established by God and so on. But we’re talking about basically the husbands and the wives. The husband is to love his wife. And if you don’t understand what that means, “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” So, this is an essential quality of a husband. It’s an essential quality of a believer.

Come back to chapter 3:17, we’re in one of Paul’s kind of sentences here, and he’s praying in verse 16, “that He [God] would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man.” And there you see the Spirit is indwelling the person and moving and motivating him. “So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth,” Verse 19, “and to know the love of Christ which surpasses.” So there is that love that is universal among us as believers for one another. But there is the focus on the individual aspect of the love. Come to chapter 4 verse 1, we are “to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called. Chapter 4:2, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love.” That’s just true of all of us as believers. Verse 15 of chapter 4, “speaking the truth in love, we are to grow in all aspects into Him.” Then verse 16, from whom the whole body fitted into it together, and it all “causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.” Love, love is the key. It’s a universal characteristic of us as believers.

Now, when you come to the specifics of Ephesians 5:25, of husbands, they are to love their wives. So, there is a special relationship here. And that love is to be specially focused here. Doesn’t mean I don’t have love for fellow believers. But I just don’t make this a general love for everyone. Because there is a special manifestation of this love that I am to show for my wife. Verse 24, the men are good on verse 24, the women are good on verse 25. We ought to reverse it. Verse 24 is addressed to the woman, the wife. Verse 25 is addressed to the man. How many times have I been in this conversation where the woman wants to say, well, he’s not being verse 25. I say, but wait, just go back to verse 24. This is the thing, and it’s the beauty of it. I can’t say to the Lord, well, I can’t be what, you know, because my wife just isn’t what she ought to be. What’s that got to do with you being what you ought to be as a man? And that’s the same for the woman.
So, there’s a personalness to this. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” So, there’s going to be a back and forth down to verse 33, of Christ and how He dealt with the church, how a man is to deal with his wife.

And we know that the church is growing, but it’s got it’s imperfections and everyone in the church is at a different place and a different stage. And we have to be patient with one another. That’s what we talked about with the love, as chapter 5 opened up, verse 1, “be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as also Christ loved you, and gave Himself up for us.” So, that is, but not here. In the home it has a special role. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Beautiful thing here. I’m to love my wife just as Christ loved the church, and He gave Himself up for her. There is not sacrifice that should be too great. Well, that doesn’t give the wife excuse, well, my husband is not. Because remember 1 Peter 3, even if you have an unbelieving husband, who’s not treating you biblically, you do what you should do. And that is, to submit to him, be a godly woman. But here, the husband, He gave Himself up for her. That’s the kind of love we’re talking about.

That’s agape love. It’s not an emotion, it’s an action. It’s an act of the will. Well, if I don’t feel it, I just don’t have feeling. Well, do what God tells you. Well, I can’t do it, if I don’t feel it. It wouldn’t be right. Well, He says, “love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” That’s pretty clear. He sacrificed Himself. That’s the kind of love we’re talking about. This is the best thing I can do for my wife. I love her, it’s a great cost to me personally. And whatever way it’s costly to you. But it’s what is necessary for my wife. That doesn’t mean I go contrary to the word, anymore than the wife’s being. But I want to be careful this doesn’t become subjective. I’ve been in enough of these conversations. It’s the advantage of getting old, the problem is now don’t have the energy to do a lot of it.

The wife thinks she doesn’t have to, because my husband is not loving me. The husband doesn’t think he has to, because my wife is not being submissive to me. You note, it doesn’t say, wives be subjective to your own husband, as to the Lord, if he’s being loving. And it doesn’t say, husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her, if she’s being submissive. Now, hopefully your prayer and your desire is that I function as God would have me, He will work in my spouse’s life. We’ll look at some other verses here in a moment.

Look at verse 26, He “gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” You know, Christ did for us, when we were His enemies. Now, to get the balance of this, you’d have to get the first part of 1 Peter 3, wives, if you have an unbelieving husband, you be a godly wife, showing him submissiveness and all the things that God says you ought to be, to a husband even though he is a difficult husband. So, here you have the husbands, because we’re taking back Christ as our example, both for the wife and the husband. And we think, well, as long as I can say my wife is not doing what she ought to do… Well, then God, you put me in a difficult place. I need Your grace to be sufficient for me to show her the love. To show her the kindness, to what? “He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” That doesn’t mean I’m going to be unbiblical, anymore than my husband wants me to go get drunk with him every Thursday night; my wife wants me to go get drunk with her every Thursday night. I mean, no, obviously there are things l can’t do. But basically, it doesn’t come down to that in our basic everyday lives. We just use that as an excuse. Well, I want to be a godly person, and that would not be. The word of God tells me what’s godly.

So, Christ gave himself up for the church, that He might sanctify her. So, that’s the goal I want to be. I love you, I want to do what is best for you. This wouldn’t be best, maybe we can make an adjustment. That doesn’t say the husband is in charge here, it’s this way because I say it. If you’ve had an unbelieving wife, it will be difficult. But you don’t give in, in the unbiblical way. But you say, maybe I can’t, maybe I can’t get drunk, the bible says I can’t. I understand you can do as you please, I would prefer you didn’t, but you’re going to do as you please. But I’ll go with you, I’ll have a Coke. I want to do what I can. “He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.” We won’t take the time to go to 1 Peter 3, where you see that with a wife who has an unbelieving husband. Here, you know, we’re basically dealing with that kind of thing, only in reverse. You have a husband who has an unbelieving wife perhaps. Well, Christ did what He should do biblically to help reach her. “That He might,” verse 27, “present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.” We don’t want to lose the ultimate goal.

Come back to John 15. The gospel of John, we’re in chapter 15, look at verse 3, “You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you.” That’s the goal, I don’t want to lose sight. Well, my wife is not a submissive woman. I don’t know what to do. Well, I want her to be cleansed by the word. So, I want to be biblical as a husband. I can’t make you do this. And I can’t do certain things. I can’t be immoral, I can’t get drunk. But, you know, basically the things that we use the scripture for are not scriptural. It’s just an excuse, and excuses don’t stand up before God. So, the husband here, has to love his wife. “You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you,” Jesus said. Come over to chapter 17:17, “Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth.” So, when He says in Ephesians that He might sanctify her, Christ gave Himself up, it’s my ultimate goal. If I have a wife I can’t tell where she is, she’s sometimes biblical, sometimes she’s unbiblical. I want to see her sanctified. And only the word of God… So I want to be a loving, a caring husband. It doesn’t mean I can go get drunk, I can be immoral, there are certain things I can’t do. But basically, the everyday life and living I can do. We may say, I just don’t want to do it, and I think, if she got saved, and she… Well, wait a minute, through the word, sanctify them through the word.

Come over, come to Titus 2. Titus 2:14 says, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.” So, that’s what the husband is concerned for. Now, I can’t stop my wife from doing that which is destructive, anymore that the wife can stop her husband from doing. The husband doesn’t have that kind of control over his wife. But he can let her know, I would love to do, you know, I can’t do this, but I could do this. I will not get drunk, but I can’t stop you from drinking. But I’ll have a Coke with you. And if you’re going to have something stronger, that’s something you’ll have. There are certain things, but by and large, we’re just talking about everyday living and life here. Titus 3:5, “He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration,” and the making new, “the renewing by the Holy Spirit.”

And you have to come to Hebrews. Hebrews 10:10 and then we’ll come to verse 25. Verse 10 says, “By this will we have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.” Verse 14, “For by one offering He has perfected for all time those who are sanctified.” So men, if you have a wife who is difficult, who fights against following your leadership, don’t loose your perspective. You say, well, I understand if she’s not a believer she won’t want to do. Now that doesn’t mean that I can do everything she wants me to do. But I want to be careful that I don’t try to put pressure on her to conform to me. Christ did the work to bring us to salvation, so we could be made new. So, I want to be careful here. While you’re here, come down to verse 25, “not forsaking your own assembling together, as is the habit of some.” Might be an unbelieving wife, well, I don’t like going to that church, I don’t want to go. I’ll go to this church. Well, it’s not a believing church, I’ll go with you there, but I also have to go meet with the believers. I’ll go on Sunday night, I’ll go with you on Sunday. There are things, you know, the man can’t give up his responsibility as the leader, but he’s got to be careful that he uses his leadership with the benefit of his wife. That’s what the man has to be. The wife has to be careful. Well, I don’t think my husband… Well, then you go to 1 Peter 3, and concentrate on being the wife that God wants you to be.

So, if we each concentrate on our own responsibilities. We claim to be believers, and most of the ones I have dealt with are, well, we’ve got two believers, but they just can’t agree on anything. Well, let the word of God be the deciding factor. Does the word of God say I can’t do this? Well, then I will do it out of obedience, I will do it out of love for you, kind of thing.

Come to Colossians 1, just after Ephesians. Colossians 1:22, “yet He has now reconciled you in His fleshly body through death, in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach.” That’s what Christ did for us, who “were formerly alienated and hostile in mind, engaged in evil deeds, yet He has now reconciled you… in order to present you before Him holy and blameless and beyond reproach.” Come back to verse 27 of Ephesians 5, “that He might present to Himself,” this is what the work of Christ did, “in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle.” Where it says the same thing, but she would be holy and blameless. That’s the goal. So, we as husbands, we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church. And that means we want her to be holy and blameless. We want to put her first. And maybe I got saved and she didn’t. Maybe she has a form of godliness, but it’s not rooted in a true relationship with Christ. I’ve had numerous marital conversations, one and the other… where you may be dealing with an unbelieving husband, you may be dealing with an unbelieving wife. Here’s what you have to do. Here’s what the husband has to do. His goal is to reach, so I want to be careful in everything I do, that it’s geared toward this, just not to show that I am godly and you are not. And if you won’t do what I say then you’re not a godly woman. That’s just the way it is. And I’ve had conversations like that from both the wife and the husband. We come to the scripture and let the scripture deal with it.

“He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself.” And it doesn’t say, first, see, I’ve got to learn to love myself. That’s a given, you already do. We take care of ourselves. And we’re frustrated with our wives, because they won’t do what we want then to do. But, “husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies.” I mean, she’s just as important to me as any part of my body. I don’t want anything to be negative for her. I don’t want it to be harmful. I don’t want it to be hurtful. No one ever hated his own flesh. That’s the bottom line. That’s the scripture. So, self-love, promoting self-love, that’s the world’s view, that’s not God’s view. I realize there are people who claim to be believers, I don’t know whether they are or not, but they come up with this whole counseling thing, and you have to learn to love yourself. Well, the bible says, “no one ever hated his own flesh,” period. “But nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.” So, just like you take care of yourself, that’s what Christ does for the church.

Well, wait a minute, we’re not His body, but we are spiritually. We are members of His body. So, now we’ve got the spiritual connection going on. Well, we got married, now my wife is part of me. So, I have to be looking out for her at every turn, at every bend. That doesn’t mean she’s in charge. Christ is in charge of His church. I submit to Him in everything. The wife is. Now there’s going to be tension. Sometimes I as a husband want my wife to submit where she shouldn’t biblically. And she has to explain that. I have to explain why I think we should do this. If they are both believers, then we’ve got ground to work with. If we don’t, then the husband has to be careful, and I’m doing this for your good. I hope you will understand. I can’t make my wife come to church, but I can come to church. My wife, she can say, I’d love to go with you, but I can’t go, I go on this time, but not this time.

But most of the occasions I’ve dealt with, it’s just been, I don’t agree with him, I don’t agree with her. “He might present to Himself the church in all her glory.” “Having cleansed her by washing of water with the word.” The word is the cleansing agent here. Doesn’t have anything to do with baptism, the “washing of water with the word.” In other words, it’s like you get washed, you take a bath or a shower, and you’re cleansed. So, there’s a spiritual cleansing with the word of God. That’s what’s taking place. That’s what we want.

“So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own body. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Now, we’ve got all kind of breakdowns, but the two become one flesh. Well, now we’ve got 1 Corinthians 7 and other passages, but by and large, we want to be careful here. A man shall leave his father and mother, be joined to his wife. There is one basic relationship, the husband and wife relationship. Now again, Paul writes to the Corinthians about the single life and the advantages of it. Well, that is its own, but by and large, most of us are involved in a marriage relationship. And the two become one. So, now I’m concerned about my wife, just as much as I am about myself, and even more so. That’s the biblical thing. That’s the biblical perspective. That doesn’t mean the wife then just sets the rules. No, because that wouldn’t be for her good. Even if she’s an unbeliever, wouldn’t be for her good.

So, I want to be careful that I don’t use this, I’m the boss here, and here’s what we’re doing. Well, wait a minute, I am in charge. I am responsible first to God, then to you. I have to explain why I can’t do that. Why I don’t think we should do that. I may not be able to prevent my wife from doing it, maybe she’s not a believer. But I can at least set the pattern and let her know it’s out of care for her, love for her. “The two become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.” So, you see Paul mingling the two here. The church and the husband and wife relationship. And the husband and wife relationship ought to reflect the church. So, the church is submissive to Christ in everything, the wife is to be submissive to her husband in everything. The husband is always functioning out of love for his wife in everything. That’s what we ought to do as husbands. I love my wife. I want to do what is best for her. So, it’s summarized in verse 33, “Nevertheless, let each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself.” Again, we love ourselves, we take care of ourselves, we look out for ourselves. I mean, that’s just the way we are. Well, I ought to love my wife as I love myself. Well, I have to learn to love myself first. You know, I have… no, it’s just all the manipulation around. You love yourself. Now, I ought to love my wife even as myself.

“And the wife must see to it that she…” Now we’ve changed the word here. We have “respects her husband.” But the margin of the bible says ‘fear’. It’s the same basic word as we have up at verse 21, “be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.” Respect, is to most of you, (consult most of the grammatical commentaries that deal with the text here) respect is too mellow a word. It has fear in it. Now, I’m not to fear… oh I can’t move, I’m terrified… but a reverential respect, maybe that I revere him, I respect him like I do the Lord. A wife is submissive to her husband, she is to fear him. She has to have a godly respect for him, which means she obeys him. And as Sarah did to Abram, she obeyed him. It’s not difficult. Now, it’s not easy either. Because we’re fallen beings.

Husbands and wives. Wives concentrate on being what God says you ought to be. You are to be subject to your husband in everything, as you are to the Lord. I mean, verse 24, wives are to be to their husbands in everything. Unless there is a clear, absolute, definitive statement of scripture, I submit to my husband. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” That means I will do whatever it is necessary for the good and well-being and spiritual health of my wife. Each individual among you. Love his wife as himself. I’m looking out for her best, all the time. And now wives, have a godly fear of your husband. Now, if we all do that then everything is perfect. Don’t anybody ask Marilyn (wife) if I do that all the time. I’m working on it. I’m working on it. But we don’t want to become satisfied with our failures, we want to bring them in line with the word.

Let’s pray together. Thank you, Lord, for Your word. Thank you, that it is truth. It sets us apart from the world. And it sets us apart in so many ways from the world. Now, Lord the roles that we have, as a husband, as a wife. It’s different than the world’s view. Because the world does not get it’s input from You. It is rebelling against You. We’re rebels against You. But by Your grace, we have been saved. And we are growing. And we want to be conformed to the image of the One who loved and gave Himself for us. We pray for the men here, that they might be godly men. That they might love their wives as Christ loved the church. And that wives might respect in a way of submitting and obeying their husbands. We would be out of step with the world, but we would be in step with Your word. We ask in Christ’s name, Amen.