The Key to Happiness in Marriage

Transcript

GRM 955
3/19/2006
The Key to Happiness in Marriage
Selected Verses
Gil Rugh


If you’re at Indian Hills regularly, and most of you probably are, you know we’ve been talking about the subject of marriage and divorce out of I Corinthians 7. And before we move on in I Corinthians 7 I want to take our time together today and just talk about the subject of marriage a little more broadly. I didn’t want to leave it where we talked about much of the negative on divorce, we talked about being prepared to accept trials and difficulties in our lives as God’s people. But we do understand that marriage has been ordained by God for men and women for their good. And it is part of His blessings on humanity that He has created that He provided marriage. We’ll note more about the single life as we get back into I Corinthians 7. We’ve noted that celibacy is a special gift of God’s grace for some. In the general flow of things marriage is God’s plan. It ought to be a rich, satisfying, fulfilling relationship for two believers. And that’s what we’ll be focusing on today—the marriage of two believers. We want to see it in the perspective of what God says it is to be and how we are to function to get the fullness of His blessing

I have shared with you before, I am troubled by the fact that if the statistics are somewhat reliable, about the same number of marriages between those that profess to be born again Christians end in divorce as does those who don’t profess to be born again Christians. I think I read a statistic this morning that said in a few years we will have more families, just identifying family units, that are made up of unmarried people than married people. And we’re to the point now where we’re crossing the line where more children are born to unwed situations than wed situations. So the whole issue of marriage is a disintegrating one from the world’s perspective. It ought not to be among us as believers.

I want to take you to the book of Ephesians, and we’re just going to highlight a couple of major passages to remind ourselves of what God says about marriage and the marriage relationship. In the book of Ephesians Paul starts out in chapter 1 by talking about the sovereign work of God in choosing us as fallen sinners, lost sinners, condemned sinners to become His children. And we are told in Ephesians 1:4, He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world that we would be holy and blameless before Him. And that is a remarkable truth. We sang the song, “Calvary Covers It All” and the reality of it. It covers it all and it covers it completely. The result is that we who were so defiled by our sin can now be holy and blameless before Him, the God who is holy.

He’s talking about God’s sovereign work through these opening chapters. In chapter 2 he talks about what we were before God’s gracious intervention in our lives. We were dead in our trespasses and sins in which you formerly walked. You’ll note that, you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air. But as a result of being saved by grace through faith, down in verses 8-9, for by grace you have been saved through faith. We are His workmanship, verse 10, created in Christ Jesus for good works. You’re not saved by good works, but now that you have been saved you are to serve the living God, which means you will produce good works in your life. Which God prepared beforehand, note this, so that we would walk in them. Verse 2, we formerly walked one way; verse 10, we are now to walk, to live our lives a different way.

Having established the doctrinal foundation in chapters 1, 2, and 3, Paul begins chapter 4 by saying therefore. In light of what God has done for us in Christ and the remarkable transformation He has brought about in making us new and joining us together as one body, the body of Christ. Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, because Paul is in a Roman prison when he writes this, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called. We have been called by God to His marvelous salvation, called to be the sons of God, called to a salvation that makes us holy and blameless. Now we are to walk consistently with that call we have received in Christ, with all humility, gentleness, patience, showing tolerance for one another in love. Being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. And that certainly should be true in our marriage relationship as well as our other relationships as believers, that we are diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit. We’ll say more about that in a moment. And he goes on to talk about a variety of areas.

I want to come over to chapter 5 verse 15, therefore be careful how you walk. Paul is concerned about the walk of believers, that we walk in a manner worthy of our calling, that we no longer walk as the Gentiles walk, he said in Ephesians 4:17. Now be careful how you walk, addressing believers, not as unwise men but as wise, making the most of your time because the days are evil. I shared statistics about the breakup of marriages and we look at other things in the world, but you understand the days have always been evil because of sin. Believers stand out in these evil days because we are making the most of the time, we are redeeming the time, using it properly in our service for God.

So then do not be foolish but understand what the will of the Lord is. Do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit. Amazing to me how much the world depends on alcohol to make things go. And we have spring break coming up and it’s a great time for the college kids to load up and go to Daytona or Cancun or someplace where they can what? Drink. Can you be happy without drink? I mean it just keeps everything going. Well for a believer we have a different source that brings enjoyment and blessing, something that is to control our life and make it fulfilling. We are to be filled with the Spirit, not drunk with wine which only leads to dissipation. Listening to the news in light of some of the tragic events with rapes and murders that occur. One thing that they said, they acted like it was so profound, they found that drinking alcohol leads to more sexual activity. We say, wow, I wonder how many millions they spent on that research. They could have read Ephesians 5:18 to find out that getting drunk with wine leads to dissipation. But believers are commanded to be filled with the Spirit. Now that’s foundational to everything—be filled with the Spirit. When a person turns from their sin and places their faith in Jesus Christ as the one who loved them and died for them, they are not only cleansed from their sin, washed from all its defilement, washed from all its guilt, they are made a new creation in Christ. And the Spirit of Christ takes up residence within each of our physical bodies. It becomes the temple of the Holy Spirit as we’ve seen in our study in I Corinthians. The Spirit of God dwells there, not just as a place to live. He dwells there so that He can control us, empower us, become the source and resource for all that is necessary for a life of godliness. The command is, live under the control of the Spirit who dwells in you.

Now he elaborates, what does that mean. Well verse 17 says we are not to be foolish but understand what the will of the Lord is. That means to walk according to God’s will. What does that mean? That means to live in obedience to the Word of God. Here are the things that you will do as you live under the control of the Spirit and what you are to be doing. A series of participles, our participles in English have “ing” on them often and it helps us to identify them. The command is to be filled with the Spirit. That’s elaborated by telling us this involves speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord. Always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father. And being subject to one another in the fear of Christ. And that verse 21 is also a participle, subjecting yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ. And that becomes a burden of his that he is going to elaborate now down through chapter 6 verse 9. Those who live under the control of the Spirit will be subjecting themselves to one another in the fear of Christ because they fear Him. Not a terrorizing fear but that reverential fear of displeasing Him, of not honoring Him. Those who are being controlled by the Spirit are willing to do and ready to do what God would have them do.

And what he’s going to do is talk about this area of submissiveness. He’s going to address first those who are to be submissive, and then he’ll address those they are to be submissive to. So he’ll talk about wives being submissive to your husbands, then he’ll address husbands as those to whom their wives are submissive. He’ll talk about children being submissive to parents, then he’ll talk about the parents’ responsibility as those to whom the children are submissive. Then he’ll talk about slaves, then he’ll talk about masters to carry us through chapter 6 verse 9.

We want to focus on what he says about marriage. But foundational to what we want to talk about marriage is you understand we’re talking about two believers here. It’s a matter foundationally of being submissive to the Spirit of God. That’s what produces a satisfying, fulfilling, joy-filled marriage—two people living their lives in submission to the Spirit of the living God. That’s where we have to begin to have a proper biblical marriage. The problem isn’t in the marriage, when there are problems. We say oh they’re having marriage problems. No, they’re not. They’re having problems with their relationship with the Spirit of God who indwells them. Again, I am talking about believers. They’re not having marriage problems, they’re having a problem submitting to the Spirit of God who indwells them. One of the manifestations of rebelling against the Spirit’s authority may well be marriage problems. You cannot rebel against God and not have problems. Remember we read in chapter 4 that we are to be careful to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. What the Spirit does is produce unity, unity among believers. And of course two believers married together are in the closest, most intimate of human relationships. And if they are both believers and the Spirit of unity indwells them, what should characterize that relationship? Unity. Now if there is a breakdown of the unity and the harmony in the relationship, what is the problem? My husband, my wife, that’s the problem. No, no, nope. Back up. The problem is the submissiveness to the Spirit. That would take care of every marriage problem among believers, because the Spirit doesn’t have a conflict with Himself. He is not divided. So any time two believers are having a problem in their marriage, one or both of them are having a problem with their submissiveness to the Spirit of God. And one of the ways that that rebellion against the Spirit is manifesting itself is, they’re having trouble with their spouse.

You say, well that’s overly simplistic. Well, it may be overly simplistic from the world’s view of that but it’s biblical. Let’s see what God says. You’ll note verse 22, wives be subject to your own husbands. In some of your Bibles you have be subject in italics, meaning it’s not in many of the manuscripts. But it’s picked up from verse 21. The command, verse 18, be filled with the Spirit. Verse 21, being subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Before I go on, you know many people elaborate, and if you read commentaries you can read pages on verse 21. And what this is, is mutual submission. It says being subject to one another. That means every believer is subject to other believers and that means wives should be subject to their husbands and husbands should be subject to their wives and children should be subject to their parents and parents should be subject to their children. And that is just theological nonsense. I mean read the next verse. We read verse 21 like the Bible stops there. Being subject to one another. The church is subject to Christ in everything in this context. Does that mean Christ is to be subject to the church? I mean we become silly in our handling of scripture.

The areas of subjection, not all of them but some of them are talked about here. He doesn’t get into the area of government in this passage, other places do. Wives have a responsibility to be submissive to their husbands, husbands don’t have the responsibility to be submissive to their wives. But husbands do have a responsibility to be submissive to the Spirit, be submissive to Christ, and do what He says. We’ll see that in a moment.

Wives, be submissive, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord. Be submissive to your own husband. My wife doesn’t have to be submissive to someone else’s husband, she has to be submissive to me. And that’s where a wife’s attention has to be, to her husband. You can’t be thinking, well I wouldn’t mind being submissive if he were my husband. Or if my husband treated me like he does, I wouldn’t find it difficult to be submissive. Doesn’t matter. This is your husband, that’s the one you are to be submissive to. And you’re submissive as to the Lord. In other words, you submit to your husband just like you would submit to the Lord. And as it’s elaborated at the end of verse 24, that will mean in everything. I realize this is an issue that is controversial today. I read one commentary by an evangelical writer, reading it this week again. He was saying, you understand this passage and all passages like it in the New Testament are just cultural. They shouldn’t be expected to be implemented today. But then he does give a caveat along the way, he says we have to admit everything in the Bible is cultural. So in other words we are at liberty to decide whether we want to accept something or not. We’ll find out in a moment that this instruction is said to be transcultural and it’s not limited to culture. This is the order that God established in His creation and is unchanging. Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord.

Why? For the husband is head of the wife as Christ also is head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. He’s going to draw a comparison for the husband and wife between the relationship of Christ and the church. The husband is the head of the wife, just like Christ is the head of the church. And Christ is the Savior of the body. And he’s going to develop that aspect in a moment when he addresses husbands. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. How is the church to be subject to Christ? Well in most areas, with a few exceptions, in everything. So a wife who is going to be filled with the Spirit, live under the control of the Spirit will be ready and willing to submit to her husband in everything, not just in the things she agrees with him on. You know this idea that you can lead as long as you do what I want isn’t what the Bible is talking about. Now we always say, that can’t be because what if your husband told you to go murder somebody. What if your husband told you to go steal something from the neighbor’s house. What if your husband told you to be immoral. We would agree that there is an overruling authority—God. I cannot sin because someone tells me to. I have to submit to human government, but if human government tells me I must deny Jesus Christ, I cannot do that. But with that clear exception, if there is a clear violation of what God requires of a believer, there would have to be an exception there of course. But the general rule for believers is, you submit in everything. Well I think he’s unreasonable, I don’t think……… It doesn’t matter. I guess everything means everything.

You’ll note also, and we’re going to get to husbands, ladies, just wait. It doesn’t say anything here about what kind of husband you submit to. You submit to your own husband. Verse 22, wives be subject to your own husbands. Well my husband is……. Is he your husband? Yes. Submit. Secondly, and this will be true when we get to husbands here so I’ll mention it now. You’ll note verse 22 is not addressed to husbands. Verse 22 does not say husbands be sure your wives are submissive. Verse 22 says wives, you be sure you’re submissive. Many husbands like to be well aware, I’m in charge in this home, God has made me the boss and I’m going to see to it that you learn your role. Well that’s an indication the husband is not being filled with the Spirit, because that’s not the responsibility God gave to the husband—to be sure his wife does what the Scripture says. The instruction is given to the wife—wives, be submissive to your own husband as to the Lord. A wife who is being rebellious against her husband is being rebellious against the Lord, is refusing to allow the Spirit to control her life. And you can’t limit that to one area, this will be true for what we say about the husbands. Anytime we rebel against God it bleeds into every area of our life.

All right, what about husbands? Husbands, love your wives. Now note, that’s addressed to husbands, doesn’t say wives be sure your husband knows how to love you. It says, husbands love your wives. A radical concept, that husbands are to love their wives. How so? Well wives are to be submissive to their husbands just like the church is submissive to Christ in everything. Husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her. The standard for both is Christ, their relationship to Christ. Husband, love your wives. The word love, agape love, agapao love. It is self-sacrificing love. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. This is the love of action. Doesn’t mean there’s not emotion in love, an emotional dimension, doesn’t mean that there is not a mutuality in love. But this love here just acts. You can love your enemies. Christ loved us while we were yet sinners. This is the great demonstration of love, Romans 5, in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. So the command to husbands here. Each of these commands and instructions, the one to the wives and the one to the husbands, they’re addressed to the wife and then to the husband regardless of how their spouse is functioning or what they’re doing. This is my responsibility as a husband and will be my action if I am being filled with the Spirit. Well if my wife were a little more lovable, I’d do it. That isn’t what it says, doesn’t say husbands love your lovable wives. It says husbands love your wives. What if I have an unlovable one? She’s your wife, love her. Well I think I have but I just can’t go any further, she’s an impossible woman. I’ve tried, I’ve done everything I can, I just can’t put up with it anymore. Oh yes you can. How can you tell me I can’t? You’re not living with her. No, but I know you could love her more than you have. I think I’ve loved her as much as I could. How do you know? You’re sitting in that chair talking to me. You haven’t given your life for her yet. You are to love her just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Christ hung on the cross and died for the church. And you want sympathy from me—oh poor me, I’ve just done so much for this woman and I just can’t go on. Forget it, no sympathy here. Get Webster, under “s”, as my mother always told me.

What did He do? He gave Himself up for her that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her………. Paul can’t talk about Jesus Christ with being so filled to overflowing. I have to talk more about what He did, what He did for the church. He gave Himself up for her that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word. That He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that you would be holy and blameless. Can you get over what Christ did for the church? Okay, now let me talk to you husbands again. I mean Paul is so filled with the riches of the sacrifice of Christ and what He did that He has to elaborate on that.

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. So men stop and think about the length and height and depth and breadth of the love of Christ for us, what He did for us and the sacrifice He made. And there was no limit. That’s the kind of love you have for you wife. And if she’s impossible, say thank you, Lord, that I have a greater opportunity to demonstrate the love that the Spirit produces because the fruit of the Spirit is love, starts out in Galatians 5. Maybe you gave me a difficult wife, Lord, so that I would have the privilege of demonstrating the magnificence of your love through me in a greater way. They ought to love their wives as their own bodies. You know it never does say that you ought to learn to love yourself first—that’s the world’s corruption. He who love his wife loves himself, the Bible tells us. Verse 29, no one ever hated his own flesh, everybody loves himself. In fact what goes on in a marriage when there’s a problem and I as a husband get upset with my wife? Well she’s just not doing what she should and she’s not meeting my needs anymore, and she’s not ………. What’s it all about, what’s sin all about? Pride, selfishness. That’s why I say marriage begins to break down, even among believers, when one or both of the couple cease to allow the Spirit to control them. There is only one other alternative—flesh, self, the old me. And when the old me asserts itself it’s all about me. Then the issue becomes what my wife doesn’t do for me, how she doesn’t meet my needs, how she doesn’t take care of me, how she’s not submissive, how she’s not………. And all I’m manifesting is I am not a man living under the control of the Spirit, I am a man in complete rebellion against the Spirit.

No one every hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. We take care of ourselves, we watch out for ourselves—just a natural characteristic of every human being. Christ does this for the church, takes care of us in every way because we are His body. Aren’t you glad Christ takes care of you? You don’t make a perfect bride, being part of the bride. He nourishes and cares for us all along the way. I’m embarrassed to think of how many times I have failed Him, how many times I have fallen, how many times I have sinned. You’d think this relationship would have been over long ago. He’s always been faithful and I am bumbling around, and I’m rebelling, and I’m being stubborn. And He nourishes and cherishes the church, because we are member of His body.

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife. The two shall become one flesh. You see it’s not cultural. It goes back to the plan of God when He created a man and a woman, Genesis 1 and elaborated in Genesis 2. This idea that people want to say well you understand this was written just to the culture of the day. You understand this was written to every culture and the foundation for it goes back thousands of years before Paul wrote it. And all the various cultures and all the various time periods and all the different places, this is God’s plan. Quoting here in verse 31 from Genesis 2, and we’ve been back there a number of times.

This mystery is great, verse 32, but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. So what he has said about the church and the marvelous mystery, new information here unfolded about the church as the bride of Christ, and so on. Nevertheless, each individual among you. This has to do with each and everyone of us. Each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and that’s what I’ve elaborated, using the illustration of Christ and the church. And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband, reveres her husband, fears her husband. Same word you have up at the end of verse 21, being subject to one another in the fear of Christ. So the husband is to show the same kind of love to his wife that Christ showed to the church. The wife is to show the same kind of fear and reverence of her husband that the church is to show to Christ. And there are no conditions here. Well if your husband functions like he should then you should do this. If your wife functions like she should……. So my life is simple and my life will be much more enjoyable, our marriage will be much more fulfilling for us both if we both submit to the spirit of God. But you understand I cannot decide I will not submit to the Spirit of God because my wife won’t. I mean can we function that way in any area of our life? Can I tell God well look my wife is not submitting to you and I don’t intend to do it either. My husband is not submitting to you and until he does I’m not going to either. Now we have a serious, serious problem. I can’t make my wife submit to the Spirit of God, but I can submit to the Spirit of God. My wife cannot make me submit, but she can submit. Well then we can have the marriage that God wants us to have, a marriage that is beautiful and fulfilling and satisfying. Walk by the Spirit and you’ll not fulfill the lusts of the flesh as Galatians says. Be filled with the Spirit.

So I say, you’re not having marriage trouble, you’re having individual trouble in you relationship with God and it’s manifesting itself in your marriage. Quit rebelling against the Spirit, quit grieving the Spirit, quit refusing to allow the Spirit of God to control your life. You don’t know what it’s like to live with a spouse that is as difficult as the one I live with. No I don’t, but I do know the Word of God is true and God knows. And if you do what God says then it’s in His hands. And He can give you joy and peace even a difficult situation. Because you can submit to the Spirit of God, He can produce love, joy, peace, patience, etc. in your life, even if your spouse is not doing what they should. That’s a beautiful thing…. I just can’t live a life being filled with the Spirit because I’m married to an impossible man, I’m married to a difficult woman. Yes I can, I can be filled with the Spirit. If I will be filled with the Spirit, my wife will be filled with the Spirit, we will have blessing and joy in our relationship together as a married couple That’s not possible any other place, any other way.

You know it saddens me that marriages, you know they start out up here and then they start down—down, down, down, down. Some just go phhhtttt. But generally there can be a decline. Why? Shouldn’t our relationship with the Lord grow and be more precious to us with the passing of time? Don’t you love the Lord with a deeper love than you did when you were first saved? Don’t you rejoice that you know Him much better today than you did 10 years ago? That’s the way our marriage ought to be. There are adjustments and changes, but it grows deeper and stronger, richer and fuller as the Spirit of God works in each of our lives.

Turn over to Colossians 3, we’re on our way to Peter but I want to stop at Colossians. You’re in Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians. I realize this is not new material. When I was going over this a week or so ago, two weeks ago, planning on bringing it in before we moved on in Corinthians after we finished the subject of divorce. But this is so simple and basic and really you get back to it and think if you have problems in your marriage, start submitting to the Spirit, allow the Spirit to control your life, whether you’re a husband or whether you’re a wife. Being controlled by the Spirit means I will do what God tells me to do, drawing on the strength and enablement the Spirit gives. And that will start my marriage on the right road.

In Colossians 3, the instruction given in verse 16. It’s based on verse 12, so as those who have been chosen of God. Same thing he talked about in Ephesians, you know you’re called of God, you’re chosen of God. Now in verse 16, let the word of Christ richly dwell within you. That’s really the same thing as be filled with the Spirit. When the Word of God richly dwells within you it control your life, your life is shaped and directed and controlled by what God says. Not by how you feel, not by what your spouse does, but what God says. Let the Word of Christ richly dwell within you. And you’ll note, same results as being filled with the Spirit. Teaching and admonishing one another in psalms, hymns, spiritual songs and so on.

Verse 18, wives be subject to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. This is the right thing. A Christian wife cannot please God and honor God with her life and not be submissive to her husband. There’s just no way. We need to be careful, we’re talking about Christian wives who are supposed to be godly and find ways they don’t want to do what their husbands want them to do so they work around it. The real test of obedience is when you disagree, remember. I am a pastor, a leader of this body of believers. You don’t have any problem following my leadership when I’m doing what you like, right? But if I say we’re going to change the seating in this auditorium and we’re going to paint it bright blue with red stripes. Now you have to find out, I don’t know if I can submit to that. In other words I don’t follow your leadership, I’m willing to go along with what you decide as long as it’s what I wanted. I don’t have any problems, I’m not talking about seats or paint, that was just an illustration that had nothing to do with anything.

Wives be subject to your husbands. Well I don’t agree with what he’s saying. Well as a wife you may talk to your husband about it, if he’s a godly man I’d think he would want to hear. But you know who’s in charge in your home, in charge in your relationship, who’s the leader that God has given you. God, give me the grace to submit to him, support him as I should. That’s what’s fitting in the Lord. Can’t parade around as though I’m a righteous woman when I’m not doing what is right in the Lord.

Husbands love your wives, do not be embittered against them. Isn’t it interesting that God has to tell Christian husbands not to be embittered against their wives? It happens. I have to love my wife and not allow myself to be embittered. You know for men, my wife can do things that get to me and I resent it. And pretty soon I resent it so much I’m bitter toward her, and I don’t necessarily tell her but it’s in my spirit, it’s in my thoughts. This woman gets on my nerves and I resent what she hasn’t done or what she has done that I didn’t like that she did………. Husbands love your wives, don’t be embittered against them. Well you don’t know my wife. No I don’t. What’s that got to do with it? I mean I don’t read that here. Husbands love your wives and do not be embittered against them except…………. Wives be subject to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord except…………. I mean you know we find all kinds of reasons to adjust our way around so we still can deceive ourselves and think of ourselves as spiritual when we are really in rebellion against the Spirit who indwells us. God is not fooled, this is not a game. I mean the Word of Christ is to richly dwell within me and the Spirit of God is to have freedom to take that Word and use it. And we need to be careful in our marriage, this is the closest, most intimate of our human relationships. And wives find ways to manipulate and get around their husband’s authority, and husbands find ways to get around and not fulfill their responsibility to love their wives. And all that comes back, it’s not a husband and wife issue ultimately, it’s a matter of I am rebelling against the Spirit. Don’t delude myself into thinking this is just something I’m doing with my wife or something I’m doing with my husband. This is a matter between the Spirit of God and me, and sad that a husband or a wife would think they can fool the Spirit.
Come over to I Peter 3. There’s another area where we’re in the area of submissiveness. You know the reason the Bible addressed this repeatedly in different letters and different portions is because as sinful beings it goes against our nature to do what God says. And one of the areas is submissiveness and the other area when we are put in a position of authority to abuse it, because that’s the way sin works.

Verse 11 of chapter 2, beloved I urge you as aliens and strangers abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul. Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles and among unbelievers. Keep your behavior excellent, remember walk in a manner worthy. So verse 13, submit yourself for the Lord’s sake to every human institution. That includes the king. You know who the king is when Peter writes this? Nero. Despicable guy. After 10 years of rule his people would be so disgusted with him, they would be hunting him down like a dog, wanting to kill him. And he’ll take his own life. The kind of things he did, we don’t even want to mention in public. And all Peter has to say about it is, submit yourself to every human institution. What is a king? That’s the king that is going to order Peter’s execution, Paul’s execution. You don’t expect me to submit to that guy, do you? Verse 18, servants be submissive to your masters. The great example of difficulty and suffering—Jesus Christ. And we’ve talked about this section, the context of willing even to suffer if we have a difficult marriage.

Chapter 3 verse 1, in the same way you wives be submissive to your own husbands. Same thing, it’s consistent. And that includes unbelieving husbands, as we’ve talked about. If any of them are disobedient to the Word they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives. Doesn’t mean the wife never talks to her husband, but a believing wife doesn't win her unbelieving husband by badgering him to death. I’m going to nag him into heaven. No, it’s going to be her godly demeanor. As they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. In other words, you’re going to be a godly woman and show reverence, respect, fear to him even though he’s an unbeliever. He’s your husband. Your adornment must not be external, braiding the hair, wearing gold jewelry or putting on dresses. Doesn’t mean women can’t fix up, because it does say at the end of verse 3, your adornment must not be putting on clothes. But you know you wear clothes, but that’s not what your true adornment is. What a godly woman is concerned most about, even though she may fix up and have a nice appearance, let it be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable. Note that, no cultural thing here. The imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. You know the world is opposed to this. Haven’t been to a movie for quite a while, but I see advertisements, I read reviews in magazines. And the big thing is for women to be the strong figures, you know they’re the heroes, they’re the cops that get the bad guys, they’re the action hero. Because why? We want the women to be stronger, more fierce than the men. What do they say? Men drool, women rule. But not in Peter.

Verse 4, a woman is to have the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit. We’re trying to teach our young girls to be more assertive, speak up, don’t be intimidated, speak your mind. But we want to be careful, we don’t want to mold our young girls into what is admired by the world. We want to mold them according to what is admired by God. This is what is precious in the sigh of God. This is not a cultural thing. Well in that culture women were supposed to be gentle and reserved and quiet and submissive. But this is the imperishable quality that is precious in the sight of God. And so is to be the characteristic of a truly godly wife.

In this way also in former times the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves. Let’s go back 2000 years, Peter says, to Sarah. So you see it’s not cultural. We’re 2000 years after Peter wrote this. Culture hasn’t changed it. Two thousand years before Peter wrote it, he said let’s see how holy women functioned then. Sarah called her husband lord. We’d say well if I were married to Abraham I’d call him lord, too. Remember Abraham was the guy who put her in the harem. Even the unbelieving king say what is wrong with you? You know anyone could have had sex with your wife. What kind of husband are you? Here you have an unbelieving, pagan king rebuking godly Abraham for the way he treated his wife, and she calls him lord. I call him jerk. No. That’s my husband that the Lord has given me. I show him reverence and respect, not because he always does respectable things but because he is always my husband. And you become her children, the end of verse 6, when you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. Don’t be afraid to do what God tells you to do.

And you husbands……. I’m aware, husbands learn very well the role of a wife. And they think that their role is to be sure the wife knows her role, and that I’m boss and I’m in charge in this house, and we do things my way and you learn to do it the way I want it. That’s just the sign you probably have an unbelieving husband, because godly husbands don’t function like that. And a husband who functions like that over a period of time doesn’t have the Spirit and he shouldn’t lie against he Spirit by saying he does have the Spirit. And if a believer does it he’s fighting against the Spirit.

You husbands in the same way live with our wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker since she is a woman. It’s not culture, this goes back to creation. She is the weaker vessel, she’s a woman. That’s not a put-down, she’s different. She is a co-heir, a fellow heir, you show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life. She’s every bit your spiritual equal, but she’s not the same as you. God says I’ve made her submissive to you, now you treat her with honor. She’s the weaker vessel. Some guys treat their wives like she’s one of the guys. Remember we’re the provider, the protector of our wives. ??????just use our wives for ourselves. I mean I have to be careful, I want to watch out for my wife. She’s not made to be like a man. That doesn’t mean she’s inferior, she’s my spiritual equal. But God didn’t make 2 men. The world doesn’t understand that, but the church should understand it. When a husband is dealing with his wife………. Sad thing when you have a husband beating on his wife, and I don’t mean just physically, but trying to overpower his wife and show his authority. I mean that’s not an evidence of the Spirit at work in that man’s life, because she’s the weaker vessel. I mean that’s a sign of a man who doesn’t know the Word of God and is not sensitive to the Spirit of God. He’s trying to run his life and rule his wife and overpower her. What is this? I mean I’m going to be accountable, my wife is the weaker vessel. I’m going to intimidate her? I’m going to make her fearful of me? She’s supposed to reverence me, she’ll learn. No, my role is to be sure that I treat her properly.

You know, wouldn’t it simplify our marriages if every wife concentrated on learning her role and fulfilling it, and every husband concentrated on learning his role and fulfilling it. Wouldn’t that make beautiful marriages? Invariably when a marriage is breaking up you talk to the people. The husband wants to tell you what’s wrong with the husband, the wife wants to tell you what’s wrong with the husband. And as I said before, all of that is irrelevant. Let’s talk about your relationship to the Spirit of God.

The end of verse 7 says so that your prayers will be not hindered. It’s not possible for a man to have a right relationship with God and not treat his wife right. I don’t find my wife loveable, I don’t think she’s weaker, she’s a hard woman to deal with. Well she’s your wife. You treat her like God says she is, she is the weaker vessel, she needs more understanding, she needs more care. I want to protect her from being exposed to some things………..It’s not that I’m trying to control her life, I don’t want to do that, but I want to do what is good for her. What hypocrisy that I don’t treat my wife right, then I go to the Lord in prayer. I’m going to pray about it. I better get up off my knees and get over and get things right with my wife, start to treat her right. Then I can have a prayer life, then I can have a spiritual life.

All these things, what do we say? The secret to a happy marriage, I can save you from going to marriage seminars and reading a lot of marriage books. Number 1, you need to get saved. You need to recognize you are a self-centered, selfish sinner, condemned and on your way to hell but Jesus Christ in love came and died on the cross so that the penalty for your sin can be paid. When you believe in Him you are forgiven. And when you believe in Him the Spirit of God takes up residence in your life. Now the Spirit of God is there, you’re given the Word of God. And as you study the Word of God, as you’re taught the Word of God, the Spirit of God opens the eyes of your heart and mind to understand it and now you obey Him and put it into practice.

Wives be submissive to your husbands, to your own husbands, to the one you have. That’s your husband, that’s the one you’re submissive to. Not the one you would like him to be, or if you could remake him (your husband). Husbands love your wives. Well I don’t know if I can do it. Well I doubt if you can, but if you’re willing to have the Spirit of God control your life He provides power that you don’t have. Well I don’t know, I’ll try it but I don’t know if it’s going to make any difference in my wife or any difference in my husband. Whoever said it would? You’re doing this because you are a servant of the living God. If nothing ever changes in your spouse you still must serve the living God if you belong to Him. Now maybe by God’s grace, especially if your spouse is a believer, God will begin to work in their lives. But you understand you can’t change them, you can’t make them submit to the Spirit. All I can do is submit myself to the Spirit of God. All my wife can do is submit herself to the Spirit of God. Those of us who have been married a long time, are our marriages really a testimony to the ongoing work of the Spirit of God in our lives, in our relationship? We say yes. So our kids could stand up and say, my parents’ marriage, that is what I want my marriage to be like. That’s what we ought to say, right? That ought to be the example. Well I don’t know, my parents have been married 40 years, I guess that’s all right. I hope I don’t end up like that. They live in the same house but I don’t know that they have a relationship. It ought to be more beautiful. They ought to say, I hope that after 40 years I have a relationship like that, shouldn’t they? Those starting early in marriage say, I’m going to keep my marriage on track. Why? I know what the Bible says a godly wife is to do and to be, and that’s what I’m going to do and that’s what I’m going to be. I know what a godly man is to be, I know what a godly husband is to do, I’m going to do it. Beautiful. It just grows and gets better.

Marriages don’t break up, marriages don’t have trouble. People rebel against God and as a result they have trouble in a variety of areas of their lives. One of the key areas is their marriage. Submit to the Spirit when you find your marriage changes.

Let’s pray together. Thank you, Lord, for the richness of your Word. Thank you, Lord, for these simple truth, Lord, simple truths but because of sin we sometimes find it hard to implement them. Self asserts itself. We desire our way, we focus on self, we want those around us, especially our spouse to please us. Lord, I pray that we might look at ourselves in light of your Word and realize we must submit to you, we must allow your Spirit to have His way in our lives to produce and develop your character in us, so that our marriages might be a testimony to the work of your grace for your honor and glory. I pray for the marriages represented here. Lord, you know the condition of our marriages, you know our relationships as husband and wife. You know some are in great difficulty. Lord, I pray that they might stop and begin by making their relationship with you what it ought to be and allowing you to work in and through them. Pray that each of our homes might be a testimony of the greatness of life-transforming grace in Christ. In whose name we pray, amen.