Background to Marriage & Divorce

Transcript

GRM 954
3/5/2006
Background to Marriage and Divorce
Selected Verses
Gil Rugh


Regularly at Indian Hills, you know we’re going through the book of 1 Corinthians, and we come to a section in I Corinthians that deals with the matter of marriage and divorce. And Paul will deal with the issue of two believers married to each other who are contemplating divorce. Paul will deal with the issue of a believer married to an unbeliever and the issue of divorce. Then he will move on to other things related to marriage. What I want to do is look a little more broadly than our section in I Corinthians and establish some background, so that as we move through the section in I Corinthians we are all coming from the same place. And perhaps our minds don’t chase off, well what about this, what about this. But try to provide a foundation so we come to this passage together thinking the same way. We’ll not be going into the passage itself in any detail, but I want to look at matters related to the whole subject of God’s plan for marriage and the issue of divorce. We’ll look at one of the areas that provides the possibility of a divorce, and then we’ll be prepared for a future study where we will look at a second reason that may allow for divorce. And in that context we’ll talk about the possibility of remarriage also.

We need to go back to Genesis again and we’ve been here recently, so in chapter 2 we’ll just make a couple of comments. Then I want to look into chapter 3 with you. I can’t stress the importance of understanding that God’s foundational plan is set forth in the opening chapters of Genesis. Thousands of years later when Jesus is asked about the subject of marriage and divorce, he will ask the people who question Him, haven’t you ever read what God said in the opening chapters of Genesis? If you’ve read what He said, what’s your problem? He hasn’t changed His mind, that is still His plan, that is still binding on the human race. We noted in Genesis 2 you have the unfolding of the details of the creating of man and woman. You have a summary overview in chapter 1 and there you were told in verses 26-27 that He made man in His own image. He made man as male and female. In chapter 2 you have the details of how He created first the male, Adam, man, from the dust of the ground. Then God said you remember in verse 18, it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. And we’ll get into this as we move further into Corinthians as well. Paul talks about it when he wrote to Timothy. God’s plan for the order and relationship of a man and a woman together is established by the order of creation, as well as the fact the woman was made for the man.

Then God fashioned the woman out of the rib of the man, He brings her to the man. In verse 23, the man said this is now bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. Now note verse 24, for this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, be joined to his wife, they shall become one flesh. Verse 24 is what is quoted by Jesus as we’ll see a little bit later on the issue of marriage and divorce. This establishes God’s plan is marriage. The major relationship, the superceding relationship is the husband/wife relationship. That is even more basic and foundational than the parent/child relationship. Because it is God’s plan that the man and the woman have children, but it’s also God’s plan that as those children grow up and they are joined in marriage, they leave the father and the mother. A new relationship is established. And that supercedes the parent/child relationship.

Basically we’re going to talk about marriage and divorce. Somebody comes and want to talk to you about contemplating a divorce. Your first thought is, well let’s go to Genesis 2 and understand that God joins a man and a woman together in marriage. That’s it. Do you have a question about marriage and divorce? Read Genesis 2:24. That establishes it. Now let me say something, we’ll get into it in a future study. I believe God picks us up where we are. You may be in your 5th marriage. We can’t do anything about our yesterdays, God picks us up where we are. God’s forgiveness includes everything. God forgives for the sin of divorce, He forgives for the sin of murder, He forgives for the sin of lying, He forgives for the sin of immorality, He forgives for……… you fill in the blank. We’re not talking about those who are not forgiven and those who are. We’re talking about God’s plan and all of us as sinners rebelled against that plan and rebelled against the God who revealed Himself. We sin because we are sinners. That is a manifestation of our very nature.

But God’s plan has not changed. We must understand that God does not continually adjust, in that sense. His plan was a man and a woman together forming a lifetime bond. So He created a man and a woman. Homosexuality never was part of that plan, it is always a rebellion against that plan. Any sex outside of marriage is a rebellion against that plan. From the very beginning as we noted, God planned for a sexual relationship between the man and the woman, but only within the marriage relationship. Some of these questions…….we act like things have gotten confusing. No. The confusion is we refuse to look at what God has said and accept it, be obedient to it. That does bring confusion.

When you come to chapter 3 of Genesis you have all the problems that enter the human race. They have their foundation in Genesis chapter 3. Adam sinned. When he sinned he brought sin into the human race, and all of his descendents are now infected by the disease, if you will, of sin, a nature that is rebellious against God. That brings difficulty into the relationship of the man and the woman, brings difficulty into the family, the children that the man and the woman will have. For a moment, if you look at chapter 4…….. Sin enters the human race in chapter 3, chapter 4 you have a little bit of family life unfolded. And you’ve only got one family and it’s very small. For sure there are 4 in the family—Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel. You know what’s going to happen? One son is going to kill the other son. I mean we only have one family on the face of the earth. It’s not even that big and they can’t get along? The disagreement is so great that one son murders the other son in cold blood? You see the impact of sin is immediately felt and it’s felt in the very family relationships. Now it’s not a family bound together in love, it’s a family torn apart to the point of one member murdering another member. So you see the disorder and the conflict of sin being immediately felt in the relationships in the family. That will be true in the husband/wife relationship.

You come back to chapter 3. As punishment for sin God metes out the punishment. We pick up with the woman in verse 16, to the woman He said, I will greatly multiply your pain in childbirth. In pain you will bring forth children, yet your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you. The woman would have borne children, had sin never entered the picture, because God told them to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth before sin ever came into the picture. But there would have been no pain, no difficulty associated with childbirth. So you see now the woman’s role is infected with pain and suffering and difficulty. She still is a woman, her realm will still be the home, will still be a helper suitable for her husband, will still be bearing children. But now it’s going to be infused with difficulty and hardship, even the role with her husband now will be affected by sin.

To Adam, middle of verse 17, cursed is the ground because of you. In toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. Thorns and thistles it shall grow for you. You’ll eat the plants of the field, by the sweat of your face you will eat bread until you return to the ground. Because you were taken from it, you are dust. To dust you will return. Adam was put in the Garden to care for the Garden before the fall. Now what happens? Difficulty, hardships, pain is infused into his role and responsibility. Now he’s going to work the ground but it isn’t going to be productive. He’s going to toil and labor. He would have cared for the Garden before, but it would not have been a trial, it would not have been a burden, it would not have been by the sweat of his face. Now fulfilling his responsibilities is going to be hard work, difficult trials.

From the very beginning, we’ve done this in a number of passages and we’re going to be in it when we get over to I Corinthians 11 in particular. There are different roles and responsibilities assigned to the men and assigned to the woman. And that hasn’t changed. Because of sin, now, the man isn’t going to bear children. The roles stay the same, but you have difficulty. The woman’s role will be the home, the family, the husband, children, but it’s going to be with difficulty and hardship and conflict. The man’s role will be the provider and protector, the leader of his family, but it’s not going to be easy. Now the world around us, they try to reject any concept of roles. Men and women are just the same, and if we can only come up with some kind of genetic idea that we get a pill for that would make them the same sexually, then we would have created a perfect world. There would be no difference. I don’t know why that’s so, but that’s part of the rebellion. I guess I do know. Since God created them as male and female, the world wants to reject any concept of male and female. They are offended by it because they are offended by God. We understand, the woman has a role and a realm, the man has a role and a realm. I’m stressing this because we start to talk about divorce, the breakdown of marriage, we’re talking about a breakdown that pervades through.

I’ve been involved in a lot of marriages, done quite a number of marriages, particularly in the early years of the ministry here. And invariably when a couple is going to get married I have never had a couple say, you know I can’t stand this person, but I want to know if you’d marry us. This person gets on my nerves and I hope not to have to spend much time with them, but we’d like to get married. Somehow at the beginning they can’t get enough of each other. And you try to talk to them and say, you know there are going to be some difficulties in this. Oh I know but we love each other. You’re going to find out things about this person you’re going to find hard to live with. And I know what they’re thinking in their mind—the same, dumb things I did. No, that’s not so. I shake my head yes to the preacher, but in my heart I’m going, we’re different, we love each other, we don’t have any conflicts. You don’t realize how much alike we are and we see everything alike and we like to do everything together, and we just want to be together. Two weeks later I knew the preacher was right. I know this couple is going to know. There are going to be problems. And over time, you know the world says men and women aren’t different and so they try to structure life as though men and women aren’t different, and they deal with the conflict, well divorce is the answer. If you’re not happy, you’re not satisfied, you get divorced. We as believers need to understand God’s basic roles. I’m a husband, I’m to be the provider, the protector of my wife. I’m responsible for her. I know I Peter 3:7 says she’s the weaker vessel. I’m responsible to protect her, to guard her. I can’t give that up. She has her realm and her role that she has to fulfill.

If we don’t start out from a biblical foundation, we’re just going to have conflict and trouble. It’s inevitable. Marriage is not going to be easy for anyone, but the more rebellious we are against God’s plan, the more trial and tribulation we bring to the relationship.

So God’s plan is set out, it’s clear, it’s simple. We’ll work through more of the responsibilities. But you have to start out, do I know what my role is as a man coming into this marriage? Do I intend to be a godly man—that’s do what God has said I must do and be. The woman needs to come into the marriage, do I understand what God says a godly woman and a godly wife is and is to do and is to be. And am I committed to doing it? I mean that’s the answer, isn’t it? God didn’t write a 480-page marriage manual. He gave us His word and said, be a godly man, be a godly woman. That’s it. You know what, if I’m a godly man, I will be a godly husband. If I am a godly man I’ll be a godly father. What does it mean to be godly? Well first of all I must have a relationship with the living God and experience His forgiveness through faith in Christ. Then I must be committed to allow my life to be shaped by the Spirit, using the Word of God. I will be what God wants me to be. I enter into a relationship like marriage, I have to have that commitment to be a godly man. I can’t enter into marriage thinking I’m going to do all I can to make my wife a godly woman. I can’t change her. We’ve been married over 40 years, I know that better now than I did before. I can’t change her. And you know what? She can’t change me. All I can do is concentrate on being the godly person God says I must be. The more I determine that I am going to change her, the more tension and frustration there will be in our marriage, and vice versa. So I have to understand, I have a relationship with the living God through faith in His Son. I can be what God has said I must be as His servant. And I trust by God’s grace that will help my wife be what God wants her to be, and vice versa. But if she never does what God wants her to do, and we’ll get to that when we get into I Corinthians 7 and talk about if you’re married to an unsaved person. You can’t change that, that person is a child of the devil. But in God’s plan you can become a more godly person in that relationship.

So foundational. I say this because I’ve been involved with enough marriages that were breaking up. I know people come in and they’re frustrated with their spouse. They don’t come in to tell me what is wrong with themselves, they come in to tell me what is wrong with the person they married. I like to tell people, look, I’m going to assume, before we go any further, that you married the most evil, difficult person on the face of the earth. So we can just cut through all that and you don’t have to tell me how bad they are because I’m agreeing with you, they are the worst you could have gotten. And you have my sympathy and my empathy. Now where are we going from here? What are you going to do? Part of the problem comes, we have accepted the thinking of the world. You know Romans 12 says, do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. We come to think that I have a right to be happy, I have a right to have a good life, I have a right to have a satisfying marriage. I have a right………….we keep filling it in and so pretty soon I’m focused on me. And then that naturally fits if my spouse is not doing even what is right. Then what? I have to understand, God brings joy, He brings peace. But that is not dependent on my husband or my wife. That’s what the Spirit of God produces in my heart and mind when I am walking in the Spirit under His control. That is not contingent upon what my wife does, my husband does, my children do, my boss does. That is dependent upon my relationship with the living God.

So I have to start out with the person, and say let’s assume your spouse is the worst and they bring nothing but misery to the marriage. Now, what are you going to do? How are you to function? Well I certainly can’t life like this. Okay, so in other words you are in an impossible situation. It’s not possible for you to be a godly man in that situation, it’s not possible for you to live a life that honors Jesus Christ in that situation. Well it’s certainly not pleasant. That’s not what I asked. God never promised you pleasantness. In fact, your marriage which is difficult, which is painful, which is unpleasant may be your greatest opportunity to grow, mature and have a strong testimony for Jesus Christ.

I want to look at some passages with you. Come back to James 1, all the way back near the end of your New Testament, after the book of Hebrews, in those little books between Hebrews and Revelation. Just after Hebrews you have the book of James. James 1:2, consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, multifaceted, multicolored trials, trials of all kinds. Knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. You know every trial becomes a test of my faith, if you will. Am I going to trust God in this situation? Am I going to trust Him and rely upon Him in this difficulty? Let endurance, verse 4, have its perfecting result. Let it do its work of maturing you so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. And if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God. He’ll gladly give it to you. I don’t know what to do, I can’t handle it. Let’s go to God. You know when we’re in an interpersonal difficulty, like what happens marriage with someone so close…….. And I want to be honest, I don’t know of any difficulty more difficult than a marriage difficulty. And we have other kind of difficulties, we can retreat to the sanctity of our home, that sanctuary, and with my wife I have at least a place to retreat and get restored. But if I have a conflict with my wife, what do I do? Where do I go? I mean there is nothing, there is no place. Like the son, where could I go but to the Lord. Lord, I need your wisdom. The problem is trials come into my life, I’m having difficulty in my marriage, my wife is not doing what she should, my husband is not functioning as he should, I don’t count it all joy. I count it all misery. And pretty soon I am absorbed with what an impossible person I’m living with, and I can’t understand why I married them. And I say James 1:2 doesn’t apply here, count it all joy my brethren when you encounter various trials. Do you think my spouse, God wants my spouse to function that way? No. Your spouse is in rebellion against God, assuming they are 2 believers. No, God doesn’t want your spouse to function contrary to what His will is for a husband or wife. But you can’t do anything about your spouse. The real problem you’re having is you’re not functioning as God wants you to function, because you’re determined unless He takes the difficulty, the unpleasantness away you can’t serve Him.

Count it all joy my brethren when you encounter various trials. And I know in a trial my faith is being tested and I learn to trust God in ways I wouldn’t have before. And that develops an endurance and that serves to mature me, bring to my life what was lacking before. The very fact I find this almost unbearable is an indication I need to grow here.

Keep going past James to I Peter 2. And he’s talked about our salvation in chapter 1 and our hope and our growth in chapter 2 verse 2, like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the Word that you might grow in respect to salvation. So I’m going to take in the Word, assimilate it into my life and live by it. Verse 11, beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul. We saw that in I Corinthians 6, first part of I Corinthians 7 on immorality and so on. Verse 12, keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles. Peter is writing to Jewish believers of the diaspora that are scattered throughout the world. No matter what others are doing, you keep doing what is excellent, what is praiseworthy. Then he goes on to talk about areas of submission and obedience to human government in verse 13, slaves to masters in verse 18. And he makes an important point, verse 18, servants be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable, perverse. For this finds favor if for the sake of conscience toward God a person bears up under sorrows when suffering unjustly. I’ve done the best I can to be the best spouse I can, and my spouse hasn’t responded as they should. That’s sad. So what? What change should that bring about in your behavior? Well you don’t understand. Do you know what they did after all that I…………. That is too bad they did that. So what? What’s that got to do with your behavior? Do you want to do what is pleasing to God, what finds favor with God?

If a person keeps bearing up, verse 19, under sorrows when suffering unjustly. The middle of verse 20, but if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure, this finds favor with God. We say oh I want to please you, Lord, I want to please you, Lord. Difficulty comes into my marriage, I want out of it Lord, I want out of it Lord. All of a sudden I don’t care whether I please Him or not, I want out. Let’s come to the basic, the foundational things. The example is Jesus Christ. You know He never did anything wrong. Verse 22, He’s our example, the end of verse 21, for us to follow in His steps. He committed no sin, no deceit was in His mouth, while being reviled He did not revile in return, He uttered no threats. You say, I’m going to apply that in my marriage? I’m not going to lose it? I’m not going to threaten my spouse? You don’t know what they did. No, and it really doesn’t matter, does it? Because the issue here is not Jesus deserved this. If anyone who ever lived didn’t deserve to suffer, it was Him, because He never did a sinful thing. We get self-righteous because we say, well I never sinned like they sinned and we quickly become like the Pharisees—I thank you Lord that I am not a sinner like other people. I just can’t understand how they could do that, and how they could do that to me. Oh my, poor righteous soul that I am. Then I’m no longer like Christ who is praying, Lord forgive them, they don’t know what they do. But all I can see is how poor, righteous me has been so grievously sinned against.

We think this doesn’t have to do with marriage, but you know chapter 3 rolls right into marriage. So the example of Christ is right here. Now the same way you wives, and here is how you are to function to your husbands, unbelieving jerk that he is. Doesn’t change the way you function. And husbands, verse 7, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker. She is the weaker vessel. Do you know how much pain and heartache and difficulty she’s caused me? I don’t think she’s so weak. In other words I don’t believe God. He’s right about a lot of wives, but not about mine. This is what God says the relationship is. I have to understand it, I have to live in light of it. And we haven’t left the subject. I take it, just like it might be difficult submitting to an unjust government or an unjust master or an unjust husband, so here the husband may have an unpleasant wife. Because verse 8 he says, to sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, humble in spirit, not returning evil for evil or insult for insult. But giving a blessing instead because you were called to inherit a blessing.

And then he goes on to quote from the Old Testament to show our character. Verse 12, the eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous, His ears attend to their prayer. The face of the Lord is against those who do evil. I like to turn that against my spouse and say, see, the Lord will get you. That’s not the context. The context is telling me how I should function, even if my spouse doesn’t, even if the government under which I live doesn’t, even if the master that I have doesn’t, even if the husband I have doesn’t. Doesn’t change. I’m not to serve the living God, be faithful Him and manifest the beauty of His character when all goes well and pleasant and easy. We get to thinking we deserve a good marriage, we deserve a husband or wife who will treat us properly. I’m not saying it’s not right. If you have a believing spouse they ought to be treating you biblically, but the fact is you can’t change them. They can’t change you. All I can decide is before God, whatever circumstance, whatever situation, whatever He brings into my life, I will trust because He causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him. And I will obey what God says in Peter, and that means wives will function in a godly way to husbands who don’t treat them properly. And husbands will function in a godly way to wives who don’t. I mean if we don’t, how are we different than the unbeliever? The argument he used in I Peter 2:20. I mean how are we different? Unbelievers whose wives are great in the way they treat their husband, and a husband……… They get along fine. And we Christians are the same way. And that’s why we follow the world. Fifty percent of non-professing Christians end up in divorce, 50% of professing Christians end up in divorce. Why? Because we’ve come to look at marriage the same way unbelievers do, and we choose just to ignore the Word of God. We memorize Scripture, we recite it, we tell people the importance of it. Then trial comes into our life and we just throw it out the window. Well my situation is an exception.

Go back to Romans 5. Chapter 4 ended by reminding us Christ died for our transgressions. We think we’re suffering so terribly in our marriage. We need to read the book of Hebrews—you haven’t suffered to the point of shedding your blood, you’re still living. You don’t know how difficult my marriage is. Well, you’re still breathing, you made it into my office and sat in that chair. Guess it’s not that bad. I don’t see any blood running out on the floor, you haven’t given your life for your spouse. We act like, oh I made such great sacrifice. We’re really thinking that our suffering and what we have had to endure is greater than what the Lord had to endure. We say, oh no I would never say that, But that’s the way we’re acting, isn’t it? I mean they are unforgivable, I can’t do it. Romans 5, having been justified by faith we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand. And we exalt in the hope of the glory of God. And we’d all say, amen. Not only this, but we also exalt in our tribulations. And all the congregation said nothing, because if you don’t mind I’ll give my amen at the end of verse 2 and you give yours at the end of verse 3. Because all of a sudden I have trouble in my marriage and I’m not exalting, I’m complaining and I can’t find enough people to complain to.

We exult in our tribulations. Sounds like James, doesn’t it. Why? Knowing tribulation brings about perseverance, and perseverance proven tested character, and proven character, hope. And our hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. We need to be careful, I need to be careful. It’s easy to tell someone else why their trials will be used of God in good. But a little bit of trial comes into my life, and oh Lord, what’s going wrong? Oh Lord where have I failed? Oh Lord……………. Oh Lord, thank you for a trial that seems to be overwhelming to me, but I know it’s an opportunity for me to learn to trust you in ways I haven’t trusted you before. It’s an opportunity for me to grow. You mean my wife, my husband……………

Go to II Corinthians 12. I saved this on this matter of suffering to last because it could be misunderstood. Paul had some trials and difficulties in his life and one particular trial, it wasn’t a marriage trial but it was a trial. But I think there’s an application. II Corinthians 12:7, because of the surpassing greatness of the revelation, for this reason to keep me from exalting myself there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of satan to torment me. Does that mean your husband or wife might be a messenger of satan to torment you? Well you know anytime, you know you could be 2 believers married together. If I stop functioning in obedience to Christ, become rebellious against His Word, refuse to do it, I provide opportunity for the devil. What happened to Peter? Jesus had to rebuke him, didn’t He. After 3 years of ministry together Jesus has to say to Peter, get behind me, satan. Your resistance and rebellion against the plan of God is allowing satan to use you as his instrument.

Paul says in verse 8, now concerning this. We don’t know what it is, many assume it’s a physical trial of some kind. Whatever it was, it was a trial difficult enough that it just seemed to overwhelm Paul. Three times he sought the Lord’s deliverance. And the Lord’s response in verse 9, was He said to me, my grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness. Why doesn’t the Lord change my wife? Why doesn’t the Lord change my husband? And we get so frustrated and so caught up in how my spouse has to change that we miss the greatest opportunity perhaps to experience the power of God in our lives. We determine, I’m not going to go on, I’m not going to be obedient to the Lord unless He changes her, unless He changes him.

Paul gives the response, most gladly therefore I will boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties for Christ’s sake. Why are you enduring that marriage? Well if I’m a child of God I’m enduring it because I want to be a testimony for Christ. More than a peaceful, tranquil marriage, I want to have a life that’s a testimony of His grace and His power. I want His power to dwell in me, and if that means enduring an unpleasant marriage, so be it. If that means going to prison for my testimony for Christ, so be it. If that means being denied promotion, so be it. We’d say, amen, amen. But when it comes to the trials of my life and we’re talking about marriage, I may have a spouse that is impossible as they get, and I have to come and look at II Corinthians 12 and say I’m well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties for Christ’s sake. Because if it wasn’t for Him, I’d bail out of this in a moment.

For when I am weak, then I am strong. I can’t do anything to change her. All I can do is be the person God wants me to be in it. I believe verse 9 is true for me, His grace is sufficient for me. How sad we deny it. What a sad testimony as a church that their marriages break up just like the world’s. We have no more grace available to us than the world has to them? We don’t want to avail it. My immediate personal gratification is more important to me. The Savior who loved me and died for me, oh that’s wonderful and I know I’m a terrible sinner, I know He died for me, but I deserve a little better than this. All of a sudden we’re no longer talking grace. And especially if we’ve tried to be faithful to the Lord, now what?

So the whole issue of understanding this trial, may be God’s plan for me. That doesn’t excuse my spouse’s sin, but I can’t change that. I believe all things work together for good to those who are called of God. And I can’t change that my spouse did something evil, wicked, continues to not be what they should be. Whatever, I don’t know. But I believe God, this is an opportunity for me to grow and mature as His child.

Go to Matthew 5. We’re in the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus has just talked about the fact that, well verse 27, you shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that any lustful thought in your heart is adulterous. So don’t be too self-righteous. And if your right eye makes you sin, get rid of your right eye. If your right hand makes you sin, cut it off. In other words, nothing should be an excuse for you in getting right with God. Verse 31, it was said, whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce. That’s what Moses wrote in Deuteronomy 24:1. But I say to you, everyone who divorces his wife except for the reason of unchastity, fornication, makes her commit adultery. Now note that. If you divorce your wife for any reason but unchastity, you’re guilty if she marries someone else if she gets involved with someone else. She’s guilty for her sin, but you’re guilty also. Whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. He puts it here on the man’s action because Jesus is addressing Jews, and among the Jews only the men initiated divorce. When Paul write like to the Corinthians he includes men and women because in the Greek/Roman culture women divorced their husbands as well as the husbands divorced the men.

Come over to Matthew 19, Jesus elaborates on this. The whole issue of marriage and divorce was an issue, as we’ve talked about, in this period of time as well as our own time. The Pharisees came to Jesus testifying, looking to put Him in a box because no matter what you say about divorce and marriage and remarriage, somebody is going to be upset. So they ask Him, is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all? He answered and said, have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female? That tells you something. He created them male and female. Jesus said you ought to learn from that. He didn’t create one man and three women, one woman and three men, two men, two women. Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning mad them male and female. He said, for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

You know that whole leave and cleave, I don’t know why it’s so difficult. One of the best things my dad did to me was talked to me the day I was getting married, or the day before and let me know how it was. I was never welcome back home again. I could come back, but only with Marilyn, and never come back to talk about Marilyn to them. Now he said, if you’re on your way to work and you want to stop in for a little bit, but this is not your social environment anymore. This is not where you come to hang out without your wife. You come with your wife. You know Marilyn and I have been married 43 years, we’ve gone to lunch a lot with my folks. I don’t think I ever went to lunch without Marilyn. If she couldn’t go we just canceled. I left there, he made clear. And I’ve shared with you, he also said, one more thing—put your key on the table, the house key. I said, well Dad, I may need to come back. He said, this is not your house anymore, you’d never have any reason to be in this house if I’m not here. I couldn’t leave the room until I gave him my key. It was good for me. You know what? When I found out how hard Marilyn is to live with, I stayed because I didn’t have anyplace to go. I knew my Dad meant it, I couldn’t get back in. He would have leaned out the second story window and said, where’s Marilyn? She couldn’t make it. Well, we’ll talk to you later. Slam.

Leave your father and mother and be joined to the wife, the two shall become one flesh. They are no longer two but one flesh. What God has joined together let no man separate. Here we are back. That’s the same thing I read in Genesis. Jesus’ response to them, you haven’t learned anything in thousands of years, have you. That’s what God said. Your problem is you don’t want to do it. Ah, but Moses said, give them a bill of divorcement, Deuteronomy 24:1. Well that was because of the hardness of your heart. God did make a provision. Let me tell you, that provision shut down, it never was His will, His best. I say to you whoever divorces his wife except for immorality and marries another commits adultery. The disciples get the point. You know what they say? If this is what marriage is like, it would be better to be single.

You know here are His disciples, the best He could find, who think if you’re telling me I have to stay in the marriage, I don’t think I ever want to get married. You know what Jesus said? It’s a consideration. We looked at this, we studied earlier in I Corinthians 7. That’s an option, might not be an option for all, it’s not an option for most. But that’s right. The standard of God won’t change, but you understand when you make that commitment, you’re in it. You say well wait a minute. What about the unchastity? Verse 9 says immorality, for fornication. If my souse commits fornication I’ve got a right, I could be out of here. You know what? It’s good when we read our Bible to read what comes before and what comes after. Before we run to Matthew 19 to show that we have a right to get a divorce of our spouse who commits immorality, we ought to read Matthew 18, don’t you think? Remember when our Bibles were written they didn’t have chapters, they didn’t have verses.

So let’s back up to Matthew 18:21, then Peter came and said to Him, Lord how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to 7 times? Jesus said to him, I do not say to you up to 7 times, but up to 70 times 7—490. And He goes on to give the parable of a servant forgiven an overwhelmingly huge debt and then he was unwilling to forgive a little nothing debt. Jesus warned in the end, verse 35, so my heavenly Father will also do the same to you if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart. I’d understand the immorality provision there, I have a spouse who is living in immorality and is unwilling to cease and persists in immorality, then you may have the opportunity to consider a divorce. It’s not required. Well what about if your spouse commits immorality and seeks forgiveness? I don’t have to forgive them, Jesus said except for immorality. Well what about Matthew 18, if they sin against you, 70 times 7? Well I don’t think that includes immorality. Too bad the Spirit of God put these verses part of this whole section. I mean I decide this sin against me is big enough, I don’t have to be forgiving.

I was back reading part of the Old Testament this week in light of this. Ezekiel 16, you know what God says about Israel? He took them to Himself to be His wife. You know what, He says you went out and lay by the road, spread your legs, lifted your skirt and everyone who went by just enjoyed themselves with you. Rather graphic picture, you can read it in Ezekiel 16. That’s what God said Israel was. That’s how unfaithful you were to Me. I went back and read Hosea again this week—go love a woman left of her lovers. Then you have children with her, that’s chapter 1, and you get to chapter 3 and He says go again, love that woman Gomer, buy her back to yourself. You know what? She loved them. Went into prostitution. He had to pay the price of a slave to get her back. Who wants that trashbag back? God says, you go buy her back, love her. That’s what I’ve done with Israel. Unfaithful, unfaithful. But we’re so righteous—anybody who would sin with my spouse, that would be it. Now we need to be careful, that doesn’t excuse, well I think I can sin and be forgiven. We can sin and be forgiven, I know that. But woe be to me if I think that I can put God in a box and say I’m going to sin and then you’ll have to forgive me. He will forgive me, but He’s a God who brings the consequences.

So my understanding here, if they commit immorality they refuse to stop. Otherwise I forgive. He can’t mean if they do immorality more than once. Well what did He say? 70 times 7. Well what if they keep coming back and asking my forgiveness, you know they’re not sincere. Well let’s take it out of the realm of immorality to any other sin. Are we saying what Jesus says here is just ridiculous, it’s a foolish, stupid little story and He was wrong? I mean, let’s face it, anybody who sins against me 7 times today and comes back, does the same thing and comes back 7 times, I begin to wonder whether they’re really genuine in their repentance. And if they do it every day of the week, I really doubt whether they’re sincere. And if they do it for the next 10 weeks every day, I know they’re just playing a game. They’re not sincere. You know what? That’s not my problem. That’s their problem with God. If they ask me to forgive them, what do I do? What does God do with me? We get so self-righteous. God forgives me day after day after day, even as His child. But oh, that’s going beyond what I could do. Well then find His grace sufficient to do what He says you must do.

We can’t live the Christian life in our own strength, folks. We have to draw upon His strength. His grace is sufficient, His power can do what I cannot do in my own strength. And I remind myself of the greatness of His forgiveness.

Turn to Ephesians 4, a couple of passages and we’re done. Ephesians 4, and this is in the context of functioning like we should as God’s people, and a warning in verse 26, not to let the sun go down on our anger. Part of our marriage problems, things fester and they fester overnight, and they fester the next day, and they fester the next night. Pretty soon the wall is getting higher and higher and the distance between us is getting greater and greater. Why? Well it’s because of what my spouse did. No, it’s because of my being unwilling to obey the Word. Now what he says in verse 27, don’t give the devil opportunity. Every time we refuse to do what God says we must do, we open the door to the devil’s activity. Verse 29, let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, good reminder in marriage. Verse 30, do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander be put away from you with all malice. You know I can’t say, this is what my wife ought to do. Doesn’t say here, see that your wife puts this all away, see that your husband puts all this away. I can’t change them. I can’t obey the Word of God for them, I can only obey the Word of God for myself.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you. Could I ever sin against anyone to the degree God has forgiven me? Could my wife ever, no matter what she did, sin in such a way that my forgiveness of her would be greater than the forgiveness I experienced in Christ? Impossible. How wretched our selfish, self-righteousness is, that we think we’re justified in being unforgiving. We deal with the Word of God tritely.

Colossians 3:12—Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians—so as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on, recognizing I by God’s grace have been chosen by Him. I am to put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility. This humility, this being humble I can understand. I am nothing but a wretched, hell-deserving sinner. Should I be so overwhelmed if my wife sins, if my husband sins? How quickly I lose my humility and become self-righteous. Doesn’t excuse my spouse’s sin, but my view of it is, I’m not to become the avenger of God. I’m humbled to think of my sin, the guilt that He’s washed away in me. Gentleness, patience, bearing with one another, forgiving each other. Well you don’t know my situation. Well whoever has a complaint against anyone, forgiven. Just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. So my spouse doesn’t have to wonder, will I forgive them. Of course, it’s done. Do I treat them now so they learn a lesson. Well, I’m to put on a heart of compassion, kindness, gentleness, patience. And beyond all these, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. I’m so caught up with why my spouse has driven us apart that I think my rebellion against God is a little thing.

Foundational thing, this comes right back to our forgiveness in Christ. I can take the pressure off. I can’t change my wife, doesn’t have to be my goal to make her change, to make her realize how she’s failed, to make her, to make her, to make her………. I’ll let God deal with her. As I concentrate on being the man and the husband God says I must be, maybe He’ll use me and the Spirit in me in that process, the beauty of His character reflected in me. And the same with the wife to the husband.

We need to be careful. This most basic relationship among humans, that we’re careful that the Word of God rules and that the Spirit of God controls. And my concern must be that the Wore of God rules and the Spirit of God controls in my life. It’s not my job to see that He rules and His Word controls in my wife’s life. I like to encourage her in that. But I can only deal with me before the Lord. That doesn’t mean, well I’ve been trying that, it hasn’t worked, my wife hasn’t changed, my husband hasn’t changed. May not change until they die. Will you serve the Lord if your spouse never changes? Will you submit and follow Jesus Christ if your spouse never changes, never becomes kinder or more loving? I don’t know that I can endure this. In other words you think that God’s strength has limits, you think His grace has a bottom. Or maybe the very statement, I don’t know that I can endure this is a testimony and you need to go to the Lord and say, Lord I need to draw more on your grace. There is an evident lack of maturity in my life. I don’t think I can endure this, which means I do need to learn to trust you. Thank you for bringing this trial, thank you for my spouse who is so precious to me, and you are using to mold and shape me to make me more of a testimony for you.

Let’s pray together. Thank you, Lord, for your grace and power. You know us as we are seated before you today. Lord, you know the pain that a difficult marriage brings, the heartache, the trial, the stress. But God, forgive us for thinking of ourselves. Forgive us for becoming self-centered and selfish and self-righteous, for being more concerned about our own pride, our own comfort than your honor. Forgive us for failing to appreciate the greatness of your forgiveness, the death of the Son of God to cleanse us from vileness. All of our rebellion, all of our wickedness forgiven and cleansed and washed away. Lord, may we be so overwhelmed with that, that it is a natural and normal thing for us to be quick and ready to forgive, to in love cover a multitude of sins. Lord, I pray for the marriages represented here, marriages that are struggling, husbands and wives who are in conflict. May they find in you their sufficiency. Thank you, Lord, that your plan is a man and a woman commit themselves to one another and live in obedience to you, to bring a beautiful picture of the relationship of Christ and His church. That is the desire we have. We pray in Christ’s name, amen.